QBO

Hello! Everybody.

My name is Tran Thi Thanh Huyen and I am a student of gifted high school of Quang Binh.

I was born in 1992 in My Cuong Hamlet, Nghia Ninh Commune, Dong Hoi District, Quang Binh Province ( present day Bac Nghia Commune, Dong Hoi City, Quang Binh Province).

Being born in a family that had long tradition of scholarly pursuits. Most people in my family are teachers or learn well. My father, Tran Tuan Vu is an engineer, who always encourages and helps me in any difficult situations in my learning. Before becoming a member of 10 English class of Quang Binh gifted high school, I learned at Nghia Ninh primary and Bac Nghia secondary school. During last 10 years, Linh Quyen is the closest friend of mine. We have known each other for 12 years. We share with each other happiness and sadness in life.

In my spare time, I usually read books, magazines, newpapers such as Sun Flower, novel listen to music on radio.

What do you want to be when you grow up? For many kids, the answer is: I want to be someone who helps people. The dreams of young people sound simple enough and the reason is simple, too. The most thing for them is their relationships with other people. For me, I want to be a philanthropist. I see the lives of the poor, the great disadvantages that my friends and many children have to suffer.

Why do we have different lives although we were born at the same time, in the same country and what did these children do to suffer like this?
I wish to be a philanthropist in the future, not only raising money to help the disadvantages but also helping them do well in school to overcome the difficulties in their lives. The dreams of young people are also closely intertwinded with their immediate desire to do well in school. But their dreams for the future are tied up with a wish to make the world a better place, not just for themselves, but for others. It bespeaks a matutity that most of us seem to lose as we grow up. Most of us should spend a little time to consider children's dreams and wishes. We might learn something. You should remember that:"All of our the dreams will onlt come true if we do well in school now".

Contestant #95: Tran Thi Thanh Huyen
Subject: QBO-EWC Introduction
Score: Pass

Corrections & Suggestions:

Hello! (Place exclamation mark after everybody. Imagine, do you say “Hello,” pause, and they say “everybody”, or do you say “Hello everybody!” all together excitingly?) Everybody.

My name is Tran Thi Thanh Huyen and I am a student of the gifted high school (capitalize proper noun) of Quang Binh.

I was born in 1992 in My Cuong Hamlet, Nghia Ninh Commune, Dong Hoi District, Quang Binh Province (present day Bac Nghia Commune, Dong Hoi City, Quang Binh Province).

Being born in a family that had long tradition of scholarly pursuits. (comma because it is a fragment) M(m)ost people in my family are teachers or learn well (are well educated). My father, Tran Tuan Vu is an engineer, who always encourages and helps me in (through) many difficult situations in my learning. Before becoming a member of 10th grade English class of Quang Binh gifted high school, I learned (studied) at Nghia Ninh primary and Bac Nghia secondary school. During the last 10 years, Linh Quyen is the closest friend of mine. We have known each other for 12 years. We share with each other many of our happiness and sadness in life.

In my spare time, I usually read books, magazines, newpapers (newspapers) such as Sun Flower, novel, and listen to music on the radio.

What do you want to be when you grow up? For many kids, the answer is: I want to be someone who helps people. The dreams of young people sound simple enough and the reason is simple, (no comma) too. The most important thing for them (omit) that they should consider is their relationships with other people. For me, I want to be a philanthropist. I see the lives of the poor, the great disadvantages that my friends and many children have to suffer.

Why do we have different lives although we were born at the same time, in the same country and what did these children do to suffer like this?
I wish to be a philanthropist in the future, not only raising money to help the disadvantages but also helping them to do well in school and to overcome the difficulties in their lives. The dreams of young people are also closely intertwinded (intertwined) with their immediate desire to do well in school. But (no need to put “But” here because this upcoming sentence support the previous one) t(T)heir dreams for the future (future dreams) are tied up with a wish to make the world a better place, not just for themselves, but for others. It bespeaks a matutity (maturity) that most of us seem to lose as we grow up (We seem to loose our maturity as we grow? I think you mean, “passion.”). Most of us should spend a little time to consider our children's dreams and wishes. We might learn something. You should remember that:"All of our dreams will onlt (only) come true if we do well in school now". (Period before quotation)

Additional comment:

I really enjoy reading about your philosophy on wanting to become a philanthropist. That last paragraph was extraordinary. However, organization was still missing a little bit. I didn’t know what side were you on. Are you saying that you are similar to the other kids with a common dream of wanting to help people? Or are you saying that you’re different from them because you want to go beyond the idea of helping people but also supporting people to help themselves and others? The organization of your sentences makes me a little confused. Another thing to mention is when you talk about how people gets older and they forgot about their childhood dreams, you went back to talk about doing well in school without having a transition sentence. This causes the confusion. I would like to share with you my opinion regarding on the issue of being a philanthropist. I think that maybe you and I have the same philosophy but here’s how I would express it.

As people grow older, they are too busy with their personal lives that they often forgot about their childhood dreams of “wanting to help people.” There are also certain young adults that are so driven to do well in school to pursue individualist desires that they have shifted from being motivated to being competitive. It is understandable because of the old Vietnamese saying “Tu than, te gia, tri quoc, binh thien ha,” which means that you must help yourself first to obtain the knowledge and ability to help out others. However, I will try to help people as much as I can and whenever that I can without forgetting to help myself first. The simplest reason is because if I don’t exist in this world, I cannot help others. What I’m more interested in doing is helping others to learn how to be independent so that they could help themselves. The best method to do so is by teaching and to encourage many people to invest in education.

That is just a small example for you to read over and analyze. I hope that you will gain something out of it to improve your writing organization skill for the next round. – Thien Binh.