#099: Nguyen Thi Doan Trang

[Tam_2407]

Do you like listen to music? If you really like it, I am sure you will know about "SOCOLA princess" with name - "Doan Trang". How do you think about this name? I am pround of it. Now I am going to introduce some information about myself.

My full name is Nguyen Thi Doan Trang. I am teen 9x very sociable and fun (17 years old). Spending for a long time to study. I got a good success because I came into the Dao Duy Tu high school. Now I am a good girl student in 11C2 class.

Luckily, I live in a small quiet and friendly hometown. With myself, my family is the most important. So I love it very much. There are 4 member in my family : my parents, my brother and me. I feel happy when I live there.

My happiness is not only begin around my village, family but also in my class and school.

Dao Duy Tu high school was founded in 1989. It is big and near Nhat Le river.

My friends are wonderful. They are psychology, fun and enthusiastic I love them because we have learnt together for 2 years,so we understand and always help together in study.

I have a lot of hobbies such as: listening to music, reading books, playing sport, learning English..etc. Especial thing, English is my favorite hobby that I want to discover.

As you know, life of people have to have dreams to do it. In my opinion, my dream in the future is I want to become a good English teacher. I want Vietnamese not only speaks mother tone but also speaks fluently international language.

I love myself, family, friends and everything around life. I always keep these memories in my heart forever. This is simple thing about myself. I want everyone more understand me and Quang Binh people, too.

THE END.

[Thiên Bình]

Contestant #99: Nguyen Thi Doan Trang
Subject: QBO-EWC Introduction
Score: Pass

Corrections & Suggestions:

Do you like listening to music? If you really like it, I am sure you will know about "SOCOLA princess" with name - (by the artist) "Doan Trang". (period before quotation) How (What) do you think about this name? I am pround (proud) of it. Now I am going to formally introduce some information about (omit, redundant information) myself.

My full name is Nguyen Thi Doan Trang. I am a teenager from the 9x generation. I’m a very sociable and fun (17 years old) girl (you should avoid using parenthesis in formal writing when the information can be embedded in a sentence). Spending for (omit) a long time to (omit) studying. (use a comma because it is a fragment) I got a good success (I succeeded) because I came into the Dao Duy Tu high school. Now I am a good girl (omit, redundant information) student in 11C2 class (word order “Class 11C2”).

Luckily, I live in a small quiet and friendly hometown (where is your hometown?). With myself, (omit) m(M)y family is the (omit, because you are treating " important" as an adjective and not a noun) most important to me. So I love it (them) very much. There are 4 members in my family : (spacing) my parents, my brother and me. I feel happy when I live there with them.

My happiness is (omit) not only begins around my village, (replace comma with and) family but also in my class and school.

Dao Duy Tu high school was founded in 1989. It is big and near Nhat Le river. (This sentence looks lost here. Move it to when you are introducing about your school in the second paragraph.)

My friends are wonderful. They are psychology (psychology is a noun, you mean psychotic? However, goofy is a better word), fun and enthusiastic (period missing) I love them because we have been learnt (studying) together for 2 years, so we understand and always help each other out with our schoolwork together in study (omit).

I have a lot of hobbies such as: listening to music, reading books, playing sport, learning English..etc (, etc…). Especially one thing, English is my favorite hobby (newly interest, better word choice) that I want to discover (explore is the better word choice).

As you know, life (lives) of people have to have dreams to do it. (People need dreams to be driven for life) In my opinion, (omit) my dream in the future is I want (omit, unnecessary words) to become a good English teacher. I want for the Vietnamese people to not only be able to speaks (no “s”) our mother tone (tongue) but also be able to speaks fluently another international language.

I love myself, family, friends and everything around life. I always keep these memories in my heart forever. This is the simple thing about myself (me). I want everyone more (place "more" behind "understand") to understand more about me and the Quang Binh people, (no comma) too.

THE END,

Additional comment:

The layout of your paper was neat. The introduction about your name draws attention because it is different from the others. However, work on the organization of your paper. You seem to have too many loose sentences without supporting materials. One paragraph is usually about 5 sentences and each paragraph should have one main idea. For example, before you write, think about how you are going to organize you paper. You can have one paragraph to introduce about yourself, one for your family, one about school, and one about your dreams. The next round will be much more challenging but I want to give you a chance to practice your English. Therefore, I’m letting you move on to the next round. I’m looking forward to your improvements. – Thien Binh.