#012: Nguyen Hung Cuong

[luvmyacnq]

INTRODUCTION ABOUT MYSELF
H
i there, I’m going to introduce you to my personal world. I am a average persons like wrap up another average person. And I love English like wrap up 1 6.5 billions English lover in over the world.
The First, my name is Nguyen Hung Cuong. I was born on August 28th, 1992 in Dassel, Germany. Now, I’m live with my family in a small house in Hoan Lao town, Bo Trach district, Quang Binh province. My telephone number is +84052862635 and my Email is: fly_higher288@yahoo.com.
I studied in Kinder Garden Amelsen (Dassel, Germany) from 1995 to 1998. From 1998 to 2003, I studied in Hoan Lao primary school. From 2003 to 2007, I studied in Quach Xuan Ky Secondary school, and now I’m studying in 10 Maths Class of Quang Binh Gifted High School.
My family has 4 members: My father, my mother, my younger brother and me. My parents are business and my brother is a student at Quach Xuan Ky High School. We are very happy with our normal life, because we have a satiety life overflowing with love. Every summer, we always have a tourism trip come to a beautiful site on our country.
Beside it, I also have many good friends. They are very jocular, gracious and very kind. They always help me in all situation. Many of us said that I’m a gentle person, but I don’t think so. I’m think that I’m not only an active boy, but also a mischievous boy.
I love sports, especially Football and Swimming. I also like UK&US music and technology. Daniel Powter is my one’s favourite singer and Manchester United F.C is the soccer team I love at mosted. In my free time, I often play soccer, go swim with my friend or listen to the music. Sometimes, I play video games to relax after a wearily class. I often play games with English Language to improve my English.

My favourite subjects are Math, Physics and especially English. I also like study Japanese, but I have no much time to learn it. I always try my best to keep my promise and be on time in any cases. When I finish my education, I hope I’ll be an architect or a computer engineer. Those are my dream when I was young. I not only want to design a computer program more famous than “Windows” of Microsoft Corporation but also want to design more home will be famous in history. And I also like to go around the world, join a philanthropic organization to help unhappy people. For me, the share of information is a connection to long term friendship with people from all over the world.
I really know the way to become an architect or a computer engineer is very difficult. It involves a great learning and quite at home in English and another Foreign Language. English is the main scientific language which opens the door to the immense world of human knowledge. English is the most important international language in the World. It’s very useful for our life before. So, I try my best to learn English, to make my dream will come true.
I love English more than I can say. I have few opportunities to talk with foreigners. So, I participate THE QBO ENGLISH WRITING CONTEST to test my proficiency in English. It was the chance I had been waiting for. It’s stupid to ignore the chance like that. It’s an excellent openings for a developing country. Through this contest, I want to test my proficiency in English. That is an opportunity for me to improving my English.
I hope I’ll pass the first round.

[Riêng]

INTRODUCTION ABOUT MYSELF
Hi there, I’m (should be: am) going to introduce you to my personal world. I am a (should be: an) average persons (should be: person) like wrap up another average person. And I love English like wrap up 1 6.5 billions English lover in over the world.
The First (why do you capitalize here?), my name is Nguyen Hung Cuong. I was born on August 28th, 1992 in Dassel, Germany. Now, I’m live (should be: living) with my family in a small house in Hoan Lao town, Bo Trach district, Quang Binh province. My telephone number is +84052862635 and my Email is: fly_higher288@yahoo.com.
I studied in Kinder Garden Amelsen (Dassel, Germany) from 1995 to 1998. From 1998 to 2003, I studied in Hoan Lao primary school. From 2003 to 2007, I studied in Quach Xuan Ky Secondary school, and now I’m studying in 10 Maths Class of Quang Binh Gifted High School.
My family has 4 members: My father, my mother, my younger brother and me. My parents are business (should be: businessmen)and my brother is a student at Quach Xuan Ky High School. We are very happy with our normal life, because we have a satiety life overflowing with love. Every summer, we always have a tourism (should be: tourist) trip come to a beautiful site on (should be: of) our country.
Beside (should be: besides) it, I also have many good friends. They are very jocular, gracious and very kind. They always help me in all situation (should add: s). Many of us said that I’m a gentle person, but I don’t think so. I’m (obmit: 'm) think that I’m not only an active boy, but also a mischievous boy.
I love sports, especially Football and Swimming (Again, why capitalize here). I also like UK&US (or English) music and technology. Daniel Powter is my one’s favourite singer and Manchester United F.C is the soccer team I love at mosted (should be: love most). In my free time, I often play soccer, go swim (should be: swimming) with my friend (if in general, you should use friends) or listen to the music. Sometimes, I play video games to relax after a wearily class. I often play games with English Language to improve my English.

My favourite subjects are Math, Physics and especially English. I also like study (should be: studying) Japanese, but I have no (should use English writing style: do not have )much time to learn it. I always try my best to keep my promise and be on time in any cases. When I finish my education, I hope I’ll (should be: will) be an architect or a computer engineer. Those are my dream (should be: dreams) when I was young. I not only want to design a computer program (should add: which is) more famous than “Windows” of Microsoft Corporation but also want to design more home (should use: houses which) will be famous in history. And I also like to go around the world, join a philanthropic organization to help unhappy people. For me, the share of information is a connection to long term friendship with people from all over the world.
I really know the way to become an architect or a computer engineer is very difficult. It involves a great learning and quite at home (sorry, I do not catch your idea here) in English and another Foreign Language. English is the main scientific language which opens the door to the immense world of human knowledge. English is the most important international language in the World (why capitalize here?). It’s very useful for our life before. So, I try my best to learn English, to make my dream will (obmit: will) come true.
I love English more than I can say. (You can add: "Unfortunately" at the beginning of this sentence to make it smoothier) I have few opportunities to talk with foreigners. So, I participate THE QBO ENGLISH WRITING CONTEST to test my proficiency in English. It was (should be: is) the chance I had (should be: have) been waiting for. It’s (is) stupid to ignore the chance like that. It’s (is) an excellent openings (obmit: s) for a developing country (not clear, should explain what you mean when talking about developing country here). Through this contest, I want to test my proficiency in English (repeat). That is an opportunity for me to improving (should be: improve) my English.
I hope I’ll (will) pass the first round.

Judge: Quynh Nga
Result: Pass
Comment:

Dear Cuong,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your attendance in our contest. Your self introduction is rather interesting and brief. You are good at using complicated grammar but still have problem in basic grammar. This is not a very good point in a writing contest because the winner should be master in the basic one, right?

However, there are some places that you express your ideas with complicated sentence but lack of explanation and this leads to the difficulty in reading comprehension. Remember, write precisely what you want to say and explain carefully but briefly.

Moreover, do not repeat your words twice (for example: test my proficiency in English) but try to express in another way to help your essay always be fresh and attractive.

One more important thing, you should study more about when we will capitalize and when we will not. Use English professional writing style and avoid speaking style in writing contest. And remember: You are attending the English Writing Contest where abbreviations such as "I'm", "I don't" are not allowed.

Please reread, then pay more attention to your mistakes and do better in the second round.

Congratulations, you pass the first one.

Thank you, with best regards.

[Thocon]

Grading: Pass

Dear Cuong,

I do enjoy reading your essay and I really appreciate that you see the point of our contest. It is really to draw people like you who love to practice writing in English but do not always have the opportunities to do so. The content is great. It is very personal, warm-hearted and friendly. However, there are still a few grammatical errors in the essay. Two things I want to mention: firstly, words such as swimming, football, and foreign language are common words, therefore you do not need to capitalize them. Secondly, please pay more attention to the use of articles such as "the", "a", and "and". When you have two or more actions in a sentence, you always need a connecting article (such as "and") among verbs and clauses in that sentence. I will highlight and correct the major errors that I see here. Hopefully it can help you somewhat in reviewing over English grammars and make a the second essay sound more flowing. Make sure that you read your essay over and over again to catch small errors because they are very easily missed. I look forward to your second essay.

INTRODUCTION ABOUT MYSELF
Hi there! I’m going to introduce you to my personal world. I am an average person like any other average person. And I love English just like another 6.5 billions English lovers all over the world.
At first, my name is Nguyen Hung Cuong. I was born on August 28th, 1992 in Dassel, Germany. Now, I am living with my family in a small house in Hoan Lao town, Bo Trach district, Quang Binh province. My telephone number is +84052862635 and my email is: fly_higher288@yahoo.com.
I studied in Kinder Garden Amelsen (Dassel, Germany) from 1995 to 1998. From 1998 to 2003, I studied in Hoan Lao primary school. From 2003 to 2007, I studied in Quach Xuan Ky Secondary school, and now I’m studying in 10 Maths Class of Quang Binh Gifted High School.
My family has 4 members: My father, my mother, my younger brother and me. My parents are businessmen and my brother is a student at Quach Xuan Ky High School. We are very happy with our normal life, because we have a satieted life overflowing with love. Every summer, we always travel to some beautiful place in our country.
In addition, I have many good friends. They are very jocular, gracious and very kind. They always help me in all situations. Many of us said that I’m a gentle person, but I don’t think so. I’m think that I’m not only an active boy, but also a mischievous boy.
I love sports, especially football and swimming. I also like UK & US music and technology. Daniel Power is my one’s favourite singer and Manchester United F.C is the soccer team I love most. In my free time, I often play soccer, go swim with my friends or listen to the music. Sometimes, I play video games to relax after a weary class. I often play games with English language to improve my English.

My favourite subjects are Math, Physics and especially English. I also like study Japanese, but I do not have much time to learn it. I always try my best to keep my promises and be on time in any cases. When I finish my education, I hope I’ll be an architect or a computer engineer. Those have been my dreams since I was young. I not only want to design a computer program more famous than “Windows” of Microsoft Corporation but also want to design more home will be (not sure what you want to say here) famous in history. And I also like to go around the world, and join a philanthropic organization to help unhappy people. For me, the share of information is a connection to long term friendship with people from all over the world.
I do understand that the road to become an architect or a computer engineer is very difficult. It involves a great learning and quite at home (not sure again) in English and another foreign language. English is the main scientific language which opens the door to the immense world of human knowledge. English is the most important international language in the World. It’s very useful for our life. So, I try my best to learn English and to make my dream will come true.
I love English more than I can say. I have few opportunities to talk with foreigners. So, I participate THE QBO ENGLISH WRITING CONTEST to test my proficiency in English. It was the chance I had been waiting for. It’s stupid to ignore a chance like that. It’s an excellent opening for a developing country like Vietnam. Through this contest, I want to test my proficiency in English. This is an opportunity for me to improving my English.
I hope I’ll pass the first round.

[nhanban]

Grading: pass.

Your vocapbulary is rich compare to others'. However, you need to pay more atention to english grammar. I believe that you can communicate to other people well. But to write an application to an University in US or Australia, you need to practice more and more.