#005: Luong Nhat Minh

[Tocxu]

5) Luong Nhat Minh


Hi ! Examiner !
My full name is Luong Nhat Minh ( may be Nhat Minh is Sun Light ). I had passed through 5840 days of my life. Yeah, I am 16 years old at the moment. My class is 10 Informatics of QuangBinh Gifted High School. I am a good monitor of my class.

I am a cheerful human, humorous with every body. I always smile and have a cute face ( ^^ ). You think ? Yeah, when you meet me, you will see...

About my favorites, I have many favorite, such as : read novel, meet friends, surf Internet and log in some Forum of Study, Information Teachnology or Entertaiment,... to get informations and have some online friends ( on chat ^^).
My famous saying is “ To live is to fight ” and I live and work with that famous saying.
In my love, I haven’t prepare to have a girl friend, but, around me, there are many good and beautiful girls.

Now a day, I concern one self with ENERGY OF THE WORLD! It is a hot problem of people all around the world.

Finally, I was very happy and cheerful when I joined this WrittingTest !

p/s : I wish all people in Examiner always Healthy, Happy and Funny.

[Thiên Bình]

Contestant #5: Luong Nhat Minh
Subject: QBO-EWC Introduction
Score: Pass

Hi ! (omit exclamation mark) Examiners!
My full name is Luong Nhat Minh ( may be (maybe) Nhat Minh is Sun Light ). I had (have) passed through 5840 days of my life. Yeah (avoid using “yeah” in formal writing. “Yeah is usually used in chat conversation), I am 16 years old at the moment. My class is 10 Informatics of QuangBinh Gifted High School. I am a good monitor of my class (I’m currently a 10th grader of Quang Binh Gifted High School; my concentration of study is Information System.)

I am a cheerful human (person), humorous with every body (everybody). I always smile and have a cute face ( ^^ ). You think? Yeah, when you meet me, you will see...

About my favorites, I have many favorite(s) (a little repetitive, omit “about my favorite”), such as: read novel, meet friends, surf Internet and log in some Forum of Study, Information Teachnology (technology) or Entertaiment (entertainment),... to get informations (no “s,” information is not a countable noun) and have some online friends ( on chat ^^) (online chatting friends).

My famous saying is “To live is to fight ” and I live and work with that famous saying.
In my love, I haven’t prepare (prepared) to have a girl friend (girlfriend), but, around me, there are many good and beautiful girls.

Now a day (Nowadays), I concern one self with ENERGY OF THE WORLD! It is a hot problem of people all around the world. (You mean you are concern with the world’s energy resource or global warming issue?)

Finally, I was very happy and cheerful when I joined this Writing Test!

p/s: I wish all people in Examiner (I wish all the examiners) always Healthy, Happy and Funny (by “funny” you mean “vui tinh”? and no capitalization on those adjectives).


Comments:
Your overall writing skill is decent. It is okay to be informal for this introduction; however, be sure to write your essay formally next time. My advice for you is to avoid using unnecessary exclamation marks, “…”, and putting your thoughts in parentheses. You should make every word of your sentences meaningful, in other words, no repeating information that have already mentioned unless you want to make an emphasis on the statement. In addition, try to make your trends of thought flow and organize better paragraphs. A paragraph usually is about five or more sentences.

Here is an example for one of your revision sentence. Instead of saying “My full name is Luong Nhat Minh, (maybe Nhat Minh is sun light),” combine everything together into one sentence “My full name is Luong Nhat Minh, which I believe it means sun light in English.” You can also make your thought flows better by saying “Just like my name has implied, I am a person full of sunshine because I brighten people’s lives. I love to smile and make people around me smile.” The rest of the revision is for you to work on. Try to combine sentences together if they pursue the same message. Avoid being repetitive and elaborate on ideas that you are emphasizing on like when you have mentioned about “Energy of the world.”

Great starter so far and we wish you the best in the next round and try to write with more ideas. – QBO-EWC-Judges

[Thocon]

Grade: Rewriting requested.
Comments: I agree with all TB's comments.

[dieuvuongqb]

Judge: Nguyen Minh Duc
Contestant: Luong Nhat Minh
Score: Pass (recheck the essay for some errors found in the essay and been stated by Mr. Hung)

[Tocxu]

@Q. Anh: the following is my grading. Please write the final report.
Judge: Linh Nguyen
Name: 5) Luong Nhat Minh
Score: Pass
Comments: see below

Hi ! Examiner !
My full name is Luong Nhat Minh may be(maybe) Nhat Minh is Sun Light ). I had(have) passed through 5840 days of my life. Yeah, I am 16 years old at the moment. My class is 10 Informatics of QuangBinh Gifted High School. I am a good monitor of my class.

I am a cheerful human, humorous with every body. I always smile and have a cute face ( ^^ ). You think ?(it's not a really sentence, I believe) Yeah, when you meet me, you will see...

About my favorites, I have many favorite(s), such as : read novel, meet friends, surf Internet and log in some Forum of Study, Information Teachnology or Entertaiment,... to get informations and have some online friends ( on chat ^^).
My famous saying is “ To live is to fight ” and I live and work with that famous saying.
In my love, I haven’t prepare to have a girl friend, but, around me, there are many good and beautiful girls.

Now a day, I concern one self ( I quite don't understand it) with ENERGY OF THE WORLD! It is a hot problem of people all around the world.

Finally, I was very happy and cheerful when I joined this WrittingTest !

p/s : I wish all people in Examiner always Healthy, Happy and Funny (should be "Fun", I guess).

Comment: You did a pretty good job introducing yourself. However, in order to succeed in the second round, try to write with more ideas.